Bergamot - The Scent of Childhood

No weekend was complete without getting your hair did. From all-backs to woven thread, you simply could not resume a school week without a head of fresh glistening patterns. My mother knew how to make hair, my aunt knew how to make hair, our house-help knew how to make hair. So there was simply no excuse. This ritual began with setting up the space, the joko, the cutting comb and then the 'cream' the favoured one in my house was the blue cream.

It wasn't till I got grown, got into essential oils that I found out that the scent which made my weekends complete was Bergamot. I still like it and the memories are good.

Bergamot is an oil gotten from Bergamot Orange which is cultivated in parts of Italy and Turkey (heard Columbus took it from the Canary Islands to Italy). It is used in perfumes, tea, sweets and, you guessed it, hair products. Why? it soothes the scalp, aids hair growth and makes hair extra shiny.

Bergamot also helps to relieve anxiety and depressed moods. So, why not pick up a bit of this. Though it's hard to find this blue hair cream anymore, the scent of my childhood will always live with me and in the form of my little bottle of bergamot oil.

The Challenge

I had already planned and written it down to put this post up today. so, I was quite happy that this landed into my 'lap' this morning to make reference to. The question is, at what point is it ok to be racist just as long as you are fighting for women rights

Equality and Gender.

These are questions I'm beginning to ask myself whenever the subject arises. What do people mean by equality. Quite frankly I do not know. There's only one sense of 'Equality' I do recognize, it's that every human life has an intrinsic priceless value because they are all created by The Creator. Coming from that angle has so many implications, but I won't go into that now. 

However, how can we expect to have equal numbers of men and women everywhere? On the other hand, some argue that gender is not important. If it weren't what are we fighting for? Why are people involved in complex operations to switch their bodies? Why will it matter if there are 6 people who look like men and 2 who look like women on a conference panel?, if this was of no consequence.

Sexism

Under this is usually the fight against Patriarchy. I am not a fan of those who put blames on systems of things. What are systems made of?, they are made of people, and until those people are changed, you will not have a changed system. So I don't think patriarchy is the issue, I am certain that people are the issue.

Feminism 

I have found no need whatsoever to identify myself in this way, because 1. some things being fought for are things that a decent human being should fight for, 2. There is such a thing as responsibility. Let us take rape for example, many talk about victim-shaming etc, I understand the issues. However it is necessary to take precautions wherever you can, e.g not getting drunk and out of mind, it's only too easy for anyone to take advantage. This is why we lock our doors at night.

Now with all of these concepts, they are all fundamental flawed. As a Christian, you know, that's the way I see the world, there's a dire problem of sin. This will corrupt every single venture we go into, that's why we can have racist feminists. Why? because sin is not a thing you do, it's your make up being born into this world. So it doesn't matter what way you were born, you need to be born again. 

III - The Prayer and The Promise

Grant, gracious Savior, we pray, perspectives as seen from your throne.

Our world and our deep, wicked way, we cherished and not left alone.

Between the glad grief of the cross, and cosmic renewal to come.

To servce you afresh at all cost, to sing now, eternity's song.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have troubles but take heart! I have overcome the world"

II - The Savior

The vision we need to transcend this cyclical pattern of wrong looks back in the history of men, forward to time's setting sun.

To gaze at Golgotha provides unshakable vantage of view.

Creator of time in it's tides, the judge standing under review.

The incarnate lover, alone, bright glory enshrouded in grey.

Perfection that wills to atone and grace by rejection repaid.

Yet forward our gaze is drawn.

Spectacular vistas are spread, the living One whom we once slew now speaks, and his voice wakes the dead. And him we thought false, we perceive to be lifted, the Faithful and True.

The crucified now stands as judge, his justice no man can gainsay, and only his death can expuge the multiplied sins of our way.

The earth and it's heav'n cannot stand before his pure unshaded light, but these are remade by his hand, evoking unbounded delight.

The dark shades are no longer seen, and untainted purity reigns, and gracing the whole is a stream of unbroken, unrestrained praise.

- Author Unknown

I - Mankind

The hurts of a grim wary world, the greed of an all-selfish race.

The barbs filled with malice and hurled by men void of vision and grace.

The children who die without food, still others, ripped out from the womb.

Cheap culture defended as good near ghettoes of filth, rat and gloom.

Armed missiles with power to melt the shiny new toys that we buy, the alien fear that is felt by people too guilty to die.

The endless, vain idols of men, the worship of fleeting applause.

The dollar, the deutsche mark, the yen as bases of wisdom and laws.

Religion that pampers to self, and cares not a whit for the damned.

The elderly put on the shelf, and the truth manufactured and canned.

O Christ! These are ugly, deep stains and festering sores. 

This decay conspires to call forth refrains of defeat, gross self-pity, delay.

Responses by men seem so frail, freighted with motives quite mixed.

Situations of promise soon fail, the cries of Cassandra now fixed.

In memories that once thought she lied prompt fear and despair in the few.

But new generations, untried, can scoff at her warnings anew.

We'll build a new world, they proclaim and new despots come to the throne.

The wearisome cycle again. the new god is yesterday's clone.

- Author unknown

The Power of Forgiveness.

There's a certain magic about stories. Some just never leave you for your lifetime. As a Christian no story comes close to the story of God's love as communicated through the bible however there are a number of human stories that leave you completely floored. There is one of such stories I don't think I'll ever forget. It is one of hurt, betrayal and forgiveness.

A friend told me this story. We had been having a discussion of married life and to be honest, it still frightens me but I thought I had my mind made up on certain things. 'If he cheats?' I was asked. ''There's no way I could...'' I replied.

They had been married for 13yrs. They loved each other and seemed to have a very happy life, until he started to see another woman. What started out as random chats evolved into a full blown affair. The children began to get a whiff of what was happening upstairs and one day, she decided to call for a separation. He didn't want this due to an image crisis but she was adamant. 

After being separated for a year. He broke off all the outside relationships he had and went to beg her. After 3 excruciating years they got back together. They've been married 35yrs now, and the pain of his cheating though dulled is a reminder of the grace and forgiveness they have experienced. Not long after they got back together those years ago, my friend was born. 

It blew me away, this person standing before me, telling me this story would not have even been existing if someone decided forgiveness was out of the question. It convicted me, when Jesus says we should love, this is what it's about. God help us!

JOY!

image from http://www.thelovelymosaic.com

Today is Easter Sunday and what can I say but JOY to the World because Jesus Christ lives! He rose up that day, many many years ago and continues to be our truest expression of mercy, grace and love.

These past few months have been an exercise  in learning what it means to be joyful. I have had a taste of it and can only get better. It all started with cultivating an attitude for gratitude inspired by Paul and the Philippians. Paul was in 'chains', yet he said in Phil 4 

" I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him, Jesus Christ, who gives me strength."

I think this is just amazing. Our joy which comes through contentment isn't about being satisfied with the situation we are in, rather it is about being satisfied in God, in Jesus who gives us the strength and reason to be joyful! Nehemiah 8:10 becomes more real "The Joy of the Lord is my Strength" 

The book of Philippians is such a book of light. Paul employs us many times to rejoice (joy, re-joy), to be grateful, to be thankful because of who/what we have in Christ! This attitude has really helped me and people have even noticed a change in me. Every time I want to complain, which solves nothing, my mind switches to something to be thankful for. I don't always get it right, but I'm so glad and grateful I'm on the right path.

Make a choice to rejoice today :)

True Story: The Soap Opera (II)

I was going to write a long story continuing from part one of this saga True Story: The Soap Opera (I) but so much has changed in me, which I can only thank God for. (if you have specific questions, ask away)

A Summary 

 S and M got married in November last year and just before the wedding, I sent an email to M we hadn't been in touch since April of the year. I wanted to just let it all go from my head. I hoped that M was marrying S for better reasons than being 'available' and even if so, hope that it grows into something better than that. 

 

2014

I thought I was leaving it all behind in 2013, but this year M starts to endorse me on Linkedin, trying to call me, which I ignored. S eventually sent me an email last month, which I decided not to read, I forwarded the email to a friend who I thought would have an objective view on things, and she told me I made a good decision not to read the email. I don't need to rehash any events, what is done is done. I have forgiven and I hope they forgive, because starting a marriage with guilt and insecurity is certainly a terrible burden to bear.

Lessons Learnt and Moving on.

I had to examine myself to understand what really went wrong. Above all, I know that I can trust God that whatever happened,( happens) is for our own good and I see that clearly.

1. I've been saved from having a relationship with someone who wanted to eat as many cakes as possible while having it.

2. I've had to repent from attitudes like A. People regretting if they let me go B. Feeling resentful when people get married C. People from different spheres of my life knowing each other etc

3. I've had to learn to speak up where there are wrongs, or I feel wrongs happening. I shouldn't wait for people to change, they most likely wouldn't. Don't cover up wrongs or make an excuse for them.

4. I've learned to love 'enemies' my hard feelings are fading away faster than I can imagine. Will I become friends with them? I don't think so, S and M have terrible track records, and I'm very picky with friendships. You can still love without being friends. 

5. There's so much to look forward to, no need to keep looking back

6. I learned to trust God much more, and the joy of knowing what the most important relationship in my life is. I thank God so much for the knowledge of Christ.

Cheers to living on the edge with Christ keeping us through and through!!

You have Everything

The first advice I've gotten this year from my Uncle, the most unconventional pastor, no he doesn't have a ministry' is.

"Stop looking for 'things', Peace, Joy, Happiness etc..God doesn't give 'things'. God gave Christ and what is greater than Christ?"

If you have Christ, you have everything you need because there is nothing greater, logical. I was watching Cool Runnings yesterday and the coach said something connected to this because 'things' no matter how wonderful will never be enough for us.

Irv: [telling Derice why he cheated] It's a fair question. It's quite simple, really. I had to win. You see, Derice, I had made winning my whole life, and when you make winning your whole life, you have to keep on winning, no matter what. Understand?
Derice Bannock: No, I don't understand. You won two gold medals. You had it all.
Irv: Derice, a gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it. 

Happy New Year

Welcome to 2014.

May love guide and keep us.
May grace strength our hearts
May they comfort us through the highs and the lows.

Best wishes.

This Dating Business

I never understood the thing, and I am just starting to realize why. Sure, I have been on dates, many. With Black guys, White guys, Asian guys. Picnics, formal dinners. I enjoy it sometimes, dates that involve food are the trickiest, because I'm not very good at controlling a fork and a knife, at the same time. I enjoy being with guys, chatting and just generally going about. So why haven't I ever had a boyfriend? (apart from hating the term so much)

I remember when I was about 16 and a friend of mine sent an email to me about 'liking, loving' I was furious, he even ended up in my uni which was just weird, we never clicked again. I was always fascinated by people who turn up one day, and everyone is like they are dating. I wondered, who asked whom, how does the guy ask? when does he ask?, what does he say? will you be my girlfriend?. I got a dose of that soon enough and what a weird thing it was. I asked a friend who came again with 'liking, loving' I was in my 20s now. I asked, 'What will change?' He had said to me, 'of course I want to date you' and I just left with thinking, what would that mean? apart from hanging out as per usual, do I now have to kiss the guy and have sex? is that what dating is about? 

When I became close to a particular guy, I would watch him asleep in my bed and would think, it is appealing to 'own' someone, it is such a high that this one person in the whole wide world wants to be with just you...and also that you've got this one person you can be anything to but isn't that what a marriage is? How do you go back from 'owning' a person to seeing someone else over them, that hurts! Dating is neither here or there, but the stakes are still high! Crazy! it's Limbo.

I told someone recently who had asked about the alternative to dating. I replied 'none' Friendship is enough. If you have friends, I'm talking about real friends in the true sense of the word, and the guy decides to apply for a visa out of the friend zone and deep down you really like him as well, what is dating going to add? If you can't sit with your friend and discuss important decisions of life, who else?

Friend zone is the best zone in life. 

With Friends like This...

Me & Ham (2008)

You have hammered.

Sometimes it takes a bit of retrospection (casting of the eyes backward contemplatively ) to truly appreciate what you've had or the journey you have been on. I don't have many words to describe how grateful and thankful I am for this girl. I never knew that, at the moment we took the picture above in school that we would still be friends now, 5years after but time doth fly.

Ham wrote an amazing post about our journey HERE one I really can't compose. Read and appreciate, don't just see it as a story of both of us, but see it as an example of what loyalty and friendship means.

Love always to Ham.

Circus Kids

The Clown.

He made them giggle, loudly too. I'd never thought the sound of 50+ children, laughing, could be so beautiful. They were with family, and they seemed to be having a great time as well. Then something struck me...

Children.

Do we, should we all want them? We all were once, for some people it's actually hard to believe they were that tiny (pics or it didn't happen). I struggle with my thoughts around having children. I've always thought I'd love to do a Jolie-Pitt but there are so many things I'm scared of, things I'm not convinced of. Research says children do not make you happier i.e you don't have kids so you can be happy because it will go the opposite way, fast. So why then?

While sat in the Circus with the sound of laughter rising above the smell of animal urine, I began to understand a reason why. God didn't create us to make God happier, we were created to delight in this happy God, to share God's joy and bask in God's love, such delight. It's a huge responsibility but seeing all those families glowing made me want to share my love, share my joy. I was glad to have my sister with me, we had a jolly time.

True Story: The Soap Opera (I)

The Start

I met M on Hi5 in 2006. Remember Hi5? I know, I feel like I just sent you into a time machine. Anyways, we had a few chats here and there, we were in different countries at the time. In 2007, while on my IT (Industrial attachment) He had come into the country and came to see me where I lived. The day started nice but then there was the broken down car, I didn't hold it against him, I promise, it was cute. Fastforward to 2009, I told him I was going to be in his country where he lived and worked for my Masters degree. He seemed excited, and I was glad to be going somewhere different.

The North

I love to travel and was glad when he asked me to come up further north, he even paid for my tickets. I spent the weekend with him. It was a room in a shared flat. I could see better how I could relate to him and I started to like him and I told him. There were some nagging issues but He felt we could work on things and I thought sure, let's see how this goes.He sent me a handwritten letter.

I went up again during Christmas, there were some events we went for and I checked his phone for pictures, and then I stumbled on the picture of someone I knew. This picture belonged to a close friend of my older sister, who she has known since secondary school. I was devastated. I asked him about her, and he laughed and tried to dismiss it saying that she was chasing him, and that it was a small world.  I thought, that might be true, but I couldn't shake the fact, that she had stayed in the same house, with him, recently. Ofcourse he couldn't have known I knew her, but you don't entertain someone who is just chasing you.

The Break

When we were to part, I told him it could not work. We were both hurt in some way. Aside the case of my sister's friend, I felt we didn't have much in common at that point. He was a nice guy but I didn't find him physically attractive, I told myself not to be shallow, that physical attractiveness could come as you get to know and like someone, so these weren't deal breakers for me.

We kept in touch for a bit and things started building up again, I wanted him to give me assurance that he had resolved whatever was going on with my sister's friend, but I got none. I even got to see this woman with my sister later in the year. I just couldn't imagine 'fighting' with her for a man.

The American

I met a guy late 2010 and my focus changed. I was going on my own jolly way and he showed up. I really liked this guy and I thought 'May the best man win' The American won my heart but it wasn't easy. I was hurt that M didn't try harder...

The Friends

I went to University in the country I left with two girls who were very close friends S & F. I was close to F and S had been my actual classmate, we were friends to an extent. Pictures we took together are still on Facebook. In 2010, S did some hurtful things to F. One of which was leaving the country and not even letting her know. I remember these girls teasing me about the guys I liked, and I revealed The American and M to them. I found out through some chats later that she had gone to school in the same city as M.

To Be Continued...

Empty

I am totally out of opinions.

I was thinking of something to write about and I came up short. Only thing I can say at this point in my life is, I am making peace with somethings I got tangled in, friendships, betrayals, that sort of. Secondly! I am hopelessly pining after a guy I met once in a Starbucks. I mean, how does this happen, we only spoke like 10, 15 words between us and the sense of loss I feel is astronomical. He offered me his phone number, I turned it down (it's paining me now) because we live oceans apart and so on and so forth (decided not to be involved in LDRs because for some reason, I am attracted to guys that live far away from me! but no more!) or so I thought. 

One more thing to make peace with eh.

Primary Four

1994 was a very memorable year for me, I can remember so many things that happened. From New Year celebrations to the end of year move to Primary Five! the new building, yay!

• I celebrated my birthday at Apapa Club, I couldn't forget the way the Jollof rice was served, it was shaped like a hut.
• My youngest sister and last born was born, She will be 20yrs old 5months from now.
• I can't forget our move to LSDPC estate. It brought with it some fun times! but also grim times.
• I can't forget having to cut my hair, my mum said since I had been 'chopping' it with my hand, it would be better to cut it all off. I think I may have shed a tear, but I was excited to see how I'd look.
• After I cut it, I didn't think it was 'punk' enough and attempted to cut my hair using my mum's mirror as she slept in the room. The hot slap that followed shortly was enough to dispel every thought that exalted itself above the ones my mum had for me.
• I can't forget being mistaken for a boy after that! lol
• I can't forget having to chase a boy named Qudus, because he had stolen my money and gone to the barracks. I managed to catch him as he tried using my money to buy baba dudu.
• I can't forget being lashed strokes of cane on my legs, because of something I can't remember but had to do with elementary science.

There was something we used to do called 'messing'. I was popular at it. We also used to call it 'yab' It wasn't meant to insult, its was mostly funny but the main idea was to deliver the best lines in a sort of duel. I was mighty good at it, for real!! I remember everything. Here are some of the 'yabs'

• You mess, apple fly gate 
• You mess, kuli kuli tie wrapper 
• You mess, seven akara form voltron
• You mess, All the fish wey dey River Niger say, Are we save?
• You mess, Obasanjo repeat primary one
• You mess, puff puff wear pant
• With your black black nyash like devils bible
• You shit here, you shit there you dey find the L.C.M
• With your tun tun belle like seven o’clock news
• As you short you dey use ladder climb maggi.
• You no tall,you no short,you just be like headmaster biro
• As u fool reach, u enter office were A/C dey, u come dey halla say na here harmattan dey hide?
• With your ben ben leg like bendel state.

Some memory eh

Morning Fresh

I think that people are so cute when they just wake up in the morning. Maybe because they appear helpless, I don't know but it sure goes downhill from there.

M83

I am officially taken by M83.

It all began with Midnight City which I thought would make a great outro track if my life was a movie and also would be perfect for a road trip as my lover and I drive into the sunset. The sax though??? *shivers*

Next stop fell in love with Intro ft Zola Jesus, which I am definitely having on my Wedding song playlist. It will be an outro as my Beloved and I say goodbye to the party. It will be a live band playing it :)

Amazing, yes.

On Gay Marriage

Once upon a time my views were clear cut. They are still clear cut but largely irrelevant. A couple of questions loom large in my brain. Does Marriage save? Does Marriage make you holy? Does the law save? Does the law make people holy? If you are a Christian, you need to answer these seriously.

If it doesn't, what the fuss? If it does, carry on.

On Marriage

I have written about marriage a number of times, 

Excerpts from TD Jake's book, which I still agree with, Marriage made me catch cold. Facebook said my wedding would be June of this year, well it's September and I'm still unmarried, in your face Facebook! My uncle said I would marry a Yoruba guy, which made me really laugh, he just might be right. I still stand by this post, No one should be getting married just to have offspring Funny enough, that same friend, wanted to date me this year, naaa. 

I started a series called the Mrs Club, you can read part 1, part 2, part 3. I still don't get proposals and My husband can come from anywhere, yes, even the internet! 

But! I must revisit the subject for some reasons. I admit, I have an aversion for the matter, I do not like to see people (some) get married, mainly because they don't seem to understand what they are doing. I do get a sick sense of satisfaction when I see some get divorced, It's almost like me saying 'I told you!'

Anyway, even in that I asked God to help me see it in a different light, why? because God created humans and created marriage. "For this reason.." That's the only way I was going to drop my selfish and stubborn approach.

Something dawned on me today when I talked to a colleague who just got married. She had been already been living together with her husband, they had a house, joint accounts and properties for the past 7 years. I asked her if she felt different and you could see the joy in her face. She said she had no idea she would be 'happier' even though, after the registry and intimate celebration with friends they went back to their normal routine. There was no reason for her to be happy, nothing had changed, she didn't gain any thing. 

Yes, I realized that the reason for her joy was the simple fact that God ordained marriage. Now, moving on to the other things that became clear to me. This is all gonna get spiritual up in here!

1. The Root (The proposal)

The bible makes it clear that our salvation depends on God alone. We depend on God. We are just to accept the gift but we can't do anything to make God love us more or less neither can we do anything to turn us holy or holier, grace is freely given. 

Marriage is a shadow of salvation, Paul talks to Husbands and Wives in Eph 5:22-33 and in 32, talks about the root and the whole point. Christ and us the Church. Marriage for us should be such that when we accept our groom's proposal, nothing should be able to come between us. The Groom should not love us less or more based on our behaviors, I know we are but humans... The Groom as the name implies should be helping us become a better person (vice versa on the human level) 

2.The Mark (The contract)We have been sealed with the Holy Spirit Eph 1:13,14. We have not just been proposed to, but a contract has been drawn up, and sealed. The bible makes a clear distinction between spouses and partners we just live with (See the Woman at the well) We are Christs's without a shadow of a doubt. People tend to respond very well to facts (A marriage certificate for example). This is where for me the importance of having a tangible marriage contract comes in, even though I still don't think it should be physical.  However at this point, we don't do things to make our groom love us more, instead we do things because of the love the groom has poured on us and overflows from us. How do you love?, you do the things your beloved asks you to do, If my husband, asked me to go to the registry court with him, I would go now with no argument. Another aspect is obeying the laws of the land, if the country you live in doesn't recognize a marriage without it being officially put down in the registry you shouldn't disobey, live by the laws of the land. 1 Peter 2:13-17.

3.The Fruits (The feast)

Now, for folks that are in Christ, you didn't accept Christ so you can bear fruits, you bear fruits only because Christ transforms you. You don't do good so that God can love you, You do good because God loves you. Same with marriage. In the bible, offspring are referred to as fruits and also the actions of the Spirit. So, you don't bear a child so you can be married neither do you go into a marriage so you can bear children. The love you have within your marriage should be the motivator for you to bear fruits, children. And even if you don't bear fruits that people see, it doesn't invalidate your salvation. The thief on the cross didn't have a chance to bear fruit but he was going to be in paradise with Christ. So people who do not have children are not less married. Children should be born out of love.

Wheew, that's as far as my thoughts have carried me, until next time.

Peace.