Not Strong Enough

Every morning, I pick myself up from the bed, hoping it was just a dream. As hard as I try I know I'm not strong enough to handle reality, the second thought is, and that's ok! The second thought might take a few seconds or a few hours to dawn on me but it does.

At the end of the day I find myself resting. Many times I wonder why we have to go through pain, suffer things, learn the hardway. I don't get any answers but I stick to the reality that if not for a lot of this hardship, I wouldn't have learned some things and if I look objectively into the world, many go through worse things everyday, so I am appreciative of where I am while I pray for others who have so much to carry. I stick to the reality that God is with me in all these things.

Ah I'm not strong enough, I'm tired and want so much but thank you dear Lord for who you are.

Age of Chill

Wise. That was my reply when my friend asked me how I felt entering a new decade. She laughed. I laughed, but I did feel that way. I felt I had been given a second chance to live a better way, the way of love. And as a late bloomer I welcome it.

Gratitude. I've had an overwhelming sense of gratitude, which has helped me look to the future and combat a downward spiral into anxiety and depression. The past 4 months have been the darkest, most painful ever and the clouds linger but I know love and time soothes all for those who want to be.

Chill. I feel like, what's the stress man? life is too short for pettiness. Remember to go where love is, laugh alot, don't take myself too seriously, smile easily. This is how I have determined to live in this age, so help me God.

The Measure of a Man

I stumbled upon a playlist sometime in early May on Youtube and I've been hooked since then. I had no idea how much it was going to affect and influence my life over the weeks to come. I had no idea how my life was going to radically change.

First, it was the promise of true love and then, the death of it, followed by the realization of a love that never ends..

Emotional, turbulent are not enough to describe the past few months. *phew* the tears still threaten to fall. Weariness that comes from the innards, where no amount of resting will salve still washes over me. Yet, I am grateful, what madness is this?

One of the songs on the playlist, which is from Forerunner Music is called "Measure of a man" by Misty Edwards the lyrics go like this

The measure of a man is the measure of his heart
The measure of a man is the measure of his love

You don't measure me like man may see
You're looking at my heart, the core of me
Your eyes of fire see differently
Keep me in the gaze of love

The measure of a man is the measure of his heart
The measure of a man is the measure of his love

When it's all been said, when it's all been done
When the race is run, well it all comes down to love

Did you learn to love? That's what You will ask of me
Did you learn to love? Not about my ministry
Did you learn to love? Not about my money
Did you learn to love? Did you learn to love?

These were the questions I had to ponder after facing the biting reality of a heart that will no longer beat. What is life really all about? Alcohol? What is love in the midst of all this? What am I to do? What is the important thing?

Love. 

Stark and raw, not like the world gives.

Loved first so now we can love truly.

Yes, I am so grateful. A gratitude that moves me to tears though it's the first time I see my brain actively try to block memories.
oh what change, the look ahead on entering a new decade, what does it feel like? how have I changed? Wiser? What have I achieved? more questions to ponder. 
No matter what, the answer remains.

Love.

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails.

Not Alone

You never feel more alone than when facing the passing of a very dear one. Even the closest people cannot come close enough. They can't sit with you deep inside your mind, your heart, to have a feel of that heavy weight of sadness, to breathe the thoughts and experiences that become solid as rock.

More piercing is when you are abandoned at the moment of deepest need by family, friends... I can't begin to imagine what Jesus felt when he faced his own loss, and everyone abandoned him. At that moment on the cross, he even felt God had abandoned him.

Yet, not alone.

How could we be? Did we create we? Can the clay say it is alone, when the thumbprints of the moulder resides everywhere and in it's innermost parts?

No, we are not alone. Jesus was not...even if he felt like that his final words were “Father, I entrust my spirit into your hands!” Luke 23:46.  Those are the words of someone who knew they are not alone. 

Yes, the flesh constantly cries out, "I'm abandoned, woe is me!" but the truth speaks louder, I am with you always Matt 28:20. The Psalmist acknowledges this in Psalm 139. From the moment we took our first breath till we return to the one who gave us privilege to walk this earth as humans.

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand" Isaiah 41:10

"So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deut 31:6

Therefore, the truth of God's words are lovely and comforting because it assures us that no matter what God calls us to do or what God permits to happen in our lives, God will be there with us. God will never leave or forsake us.

The Martyr Syndrome

My mother. She loves to talk and she will talk to anyone that will listen. Sometimes I like the stories, so I just kickback and listen. It was in one of such moments recently that I realized sharply. I've inherited a Martyr Syndrome not from my father but from my mother!

Now, what do I mean? Ever since I was younger, I was interested in people, I wanted to know what made them tick, why they did the things they did, why I did things. I've always felt strongly the desire to help people and sometimes would get annoyed if they did not need or rubbished my help. Now, unlike my mother, I don't go all out. My more introverted personality against her highly extroverted one, I think, puts me in check. I suspect my mum is ESFP, against my INFJ.

Yes, my more introverted personality which has a tendency to get lost in self, keeps me from thinking I have to break my back for other people or it could be I have fought to cultivate a more balanced worldview. I love to help people but there's a limit as I'm only human. When I do help, as I've grown older, I don't have a repo of 'good deeds I've done for others' I do it and gift it to the universe. The more I get to understand love and grace in Christ, the freer I feel to just give. But yes that syndrome.

I do pray that one day my mother will see the beauty of having such a personality that loves to help others, that she will empty her repo and rest in the splendid power of grace.

The Ransom was Paid!

I sat there in my heartache, cold, without much to survive on. Constantly prodded, teased and insulted, I never knew I could escape. In short, I had lost all hope.
But, my heart cried out, it did, even when I had thought I had lost it all. I was answered. Indeed I was.

We don't think about it so much, but we are saved like someone who was kidnapped and has a ransomed paid for them. The kidnapped person cannot save themselves, so us in our sin.

The psalmist cries out

"Rise up! Help us! Ransom us because of your unfailing love" Psalm 44:26

not because we deserve it, but because of love that never fails...The psalmist knew that we could not do it ourselves;

"Yet they cannot redeem themselves from death by paying a ransom to God" Psalm 49:7

Elihu, one of Job's friend makes the statement, what if there was someone that could rescue us, what would happen?...

“But if an angel from heaven appears—
    a special messenger to intercede for a person
    and declare that he is upright—

he will be gracious and say,
‘Rescue him from the grave,
    for I have found a ransom for his life.’
Then his body will become as healthy as a child’s,
    firm and youthful again" Job 33

We then learn the good news that Jesus is our ransom!

"God chose him as your ransom long before the world began, but now in these last days he has been revealed for your sake" 1 Peter 1:20
"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:45

"For you know that God paid "a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And it was not paid with mere gold or silver, which lose their value." 1 Peter 1:18

      Oh what Joy, and Love for ever!!!

"He ransoms me and keeps me safe from the battle waged against me, though many still oppose me" Psalms 55:18 

"I will shout for joy and sing your praises, for you have ransomed me" Psalms 71:23

"He has paid a full ransom for his people. He has guaranteed his covenant with them forever. What a holy, awe-inspiring name he has!" Psalm 111:9 

"And they sang a new song with these words: “You are worthy to take the scroll and break its seals and open it. For you were slaughtered, and your blood has ransomed people for God from every tribe and language and people and nation" Rev 5:9

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The Only Thing Love Regrets

Is not showing more love...

This has been the clearest thing to me and biggest learning of my year so far. I look into myself and see how much God has changed me, some may put it down to maturity, we might be able to fool others, but we can't fool ourselves. I look at some of the things I used to write just a few years back, I laugh, I shake my head, I thank God I'm not the same person.

Now, I see the folly of many of my ways, I see that there was absolutely no need to behave the way I did many times. Real love does not regret loving someone even if they turn out a fool, real love puts in the best and does not regret it. Many times I hesitate because I sense something negative from the person, so what? We as Christians have been called to partake in real love, love that has power to change things for good. Not only are we called, we have been empowered to walk that way. So what have I been waiting for?
Jesus Christ gave us a fantastic portrayal of what real love is about, laying one's life down for friends, even before they become friends... Love is a present and is present, it's not something that has an end, if it does, it wasn't love. Love is personal but not performance based. Love should be said but must be shown.
There so many things I look back that I would do differently in my relationships, my relationships with family, friends, love interests and even strangers. The only thing that hurts me is I had an opportunity to love and I didn't do it. *I'm literally in tears as I write this* I repent of all the times I have not loved as I should have.
I'm grateful that today is another day, another opportunity to love truly. I know certain things go against my personality, but I'm operating under a new identity.  My feelings take me the opposite way many time, but love transcends feelings because it's focus is the good of the other. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I know God answers prayers.

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Essential Reading

Bible.
Kierkegaard's Works of Love.

What does John 15 really tell us

I must have read this passage a hundred times. The imagery is clearly very interesting but it only clicked recently after having a chat about this passage and what it really means. When we read a book one must always read within context, so who exactly was Jesus talking to in John 15 and why, let's delve in.

It really starts from John 13. Jesus was talking to his disciples at the 'Last Supper' These disciples were Jews. We tend to forget that most of Jesus message was aimed at the Jews. The imagery of the vine is one that Jews who read the scriptures would have been familiar with (Isaiah 5, Ezekiel 15). Also, Judas Iscariot left the meeting to carry out his plan. So this message was very important in the light of everything happening..

 “I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. 3 You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. 4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.5 “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. 6 Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. 7 But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! 8 When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father.

Jesus was telling his disciples that He was the The True Vine, in contrast to the useless vine which Israel became. Jesus states that He is the source of life, and anyone who doesn't stay/dwell in him, won't have life, won't have the Holy Spirit, therefore cannot bear fruit. If the Jews who already know about God, know about the Messiah don't stay in the truth and come to believe in Jesus they certainly have no part in the vine. Judas was a stark example, he looked like a disciple, he talked like a disciple but he wasn't really connected to the vine! and these people will be exposed at the end of the day
Jesus goes further to make it clearer.

“I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. 10 When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. 11 I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! 12 This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. 13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. 16 You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. 17 This is my command: Love each other

We need to ask ourselves as Christians, what do we really believe? why are we Christian? If we are Christian for any other reason than, believing in, trusting the finished work of Jesus Christ, the Gospel, we need to repent and connect to the true vine. Looking like a Christian, walking like a Christian and talking like a Christian will get us no where.
Only those who are trusting in Jesus for life (John 3:16) are truly connected to the vine and they now have the power through the Holy Spirit to love truly.

You Look Very New Year

I thank God for the old.
Looking forward to what this year will bring as it's the first year I am completely clueless. It could actually be the year where everything is completely changed, I'd turn 30, I'd get married, I'd move into a new home. I already cut my hair on christmas day 2015 so I'm out of 'new things' but the good thing is, I look very new year.

2016.