With Gratitude, Painful Tears

                                          Picture: http://www.larryponchobrown.com

I used to be very proud of the fact that I didn't cry often, despite being flogged or insulted. I thought I had it pretty set, there were only things when i'd cry that I never planned. Recently as God has been breaking me down, I have been shedding tears for 'no reason' and very often, daily. I also realized that I could tell the difference between my fake tears and real tears, funny eh. Of course everyone really knows when they are shedding crocodile tears or not. No. When you peel onions you will cry automatically though (the red onions more so than the white, put a spoon in your mouth to stop it ). 

When I cry genuinely, my eyes HURT, I don't know why, but since I have no control over these tears, It happens. I tried to google, to find if it was some condition, I can't even explain how it hurts, but it makes me never want to shed a tear again. Still, I am grateful for the ability to cry, I'm thankful that I am being broken down in many ways than I could imagine. I'm learning loads and I wouldn't have it any other way. If it has to hurt, so be it.

''I know that I've been,

Given more than beyond measure,

I come alive when,

I see beyond my fears

I know that I've been given more than earthly treasure,

I come alive when

I've broken down and given you control''

- Jeremy Camp ~ Beyond Measure

Never good enough

All i wanted was to help. I've managed to turn into a nervous wreck.

Shedding Tears

I went to celebrate with my friend over her recent DR. status. Just before the party commenced, I saw her younger siblings running around, playing peekaboo. I just smiled and thought about how happy and carefree they were, how life used to be..next thing I knew I started crying. Ran to the bathroom to get a grip of myself.

The act of crying has been defined as "a complex secretomotor phenomenon characterized by the shedding of tears from the lacrimal apparatus, without any irritation of the ocular structures"

I stared at myself in the mirror and asked what these tears were for. Tears of joy? Tears of sadness? I honestly couldn't place it. But I was so emotional. I didn't have the best childhood possible but it was just the times of innocence that can never be gotten back. I stood there thinking, life has just gone and passed, passed, passed. 

Anyways, when I managed to get a grip of myself, and got out. Met some women who had arrived, they encouraged me to sit outside and get some air, got talking..and just relieved myself. Only to hear that a 27 yr old lady had lost her husband of same age to some disease. I had no more tears but kept of thinking about how this life is. I had so many different emotions running through me at the moment, what to do?, what to do?, what to do? Live in the moment. I thought about how rough my week had been 'Live in the moment' With a much needed sigh, I abandoned the fresh air and went in to party. 

Crying is indeed Therapeutic

.............

Omword, i'm so emotional, i miss my family

and i'm crying buckets as i type this.