The Measure of a Man

I stumbled upon a playlist sometime in early May on Youtube and I've been hooked since then. I had no idea how much it was going to affect and influence my life over the weeks to come. I had no idea how my life was going to radically change.

First, it was the promise of true love and then, the death of it, followed by the realization of a love that never ends..

Emotional, turbulent are not enough to describe the past few months. *phew* the tears still threaten to fall. Weariness that comes from the innards, where no amount of resting will salve still washes over me. Yet, I am grateful, what madness is this?

One of the songs on the playlist, which is from Forerunner Music is called "Measure of a man" by Misty Edwards the lyrics go like this

The measure of a man is the measure of his heart
The measure of a man is the measure of his love

You don't measure me like man may see
You're looking at my heart, the core of me
Your eyes of fire see differently
Keep me in the gaze of love

The measure of a man is the measure of his heart
The measure of a man is the measure of his love

When it's all been said, when it's all been done
When the race is run, well it all comes down to love

Did you learn to love? That's what You will ask of me
Did you learn to love? Not about my ministry
Did you learn to love? Not about my money
Did you learn to love? Did you learn to love?

These were the questions I had to ponder after facing the biting reality of a heart that will no longer beat. What is life really all about? Alcohol? What is love in the midst of all this? What am I to do? What is the important thing?

Love. 

Stark and raw, not like the world gives.

Loved first so now we can love truly.

Yes, I am so grateful. A gratitude that moves me to tears though it's the first time I see my brain actively try to block memories.
oh what change, the look ahead on entering a new decade, what does it feel like? how have I changed? Wiser? What have I achieved? more questions to ponder. 
No matter what, the answer remains.

Love.

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails.

Not Alone

You never feel more alone than when facing the passing of a very dear one. Even the closest people cannot come close enough. They can't sit with you deep inside your mind, your heart, to have a feel of that heavy weight of sadness, to breathe the thoughts and experiences that become solid as rock.

More piercing is when you are abandoned at the moment of deepest need by family, friends... I can't begin to imagine what Jesus felt when he faced his own loss, and everyone abandoned him. At that moment on the cross, he even felt God had abandoned him.

Yet, not alone.

How could we be? Did we create we? Can the clay say it is alone, when the thumbprints of the moulder resides everywhere and in it's innermost parts?

No, we are not alone. Jesus was not...even if he felt like that his final words were “Father, I entrust my spirit into your hands!” Luke 23:46.  Those are the words of someone who knew they are not alone. 

Yes, the flesh constantly cries out, "I'm abandoned, woe is me!" but the truth speaks louder, I am with you always Matt 28:20. The Psalmist acknowledges this in Psalm 139. From the moment we took our first breath till we return to the one who gave us privilege to walk this earth as humans.

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand" Isaiah 41:10

"So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deut 31:6

Therefore, the truth of God's words are lovely and comforting because it assures us that no matter what God calls us to do or what God permits to happen in our lives, God will be there with us. God will never leave or forsake us.

Don't Ignore the Living

This morning, one of my friends, tweeted that she was watching My Girl, remember the movie? It brought tears in my mind, and the replay of a particular scene that never left my head for over 15yrs. I told her, I'd cry loads if I tried to watch, but deep down I knew I would look for it and watch it. I've been crying loads since. It just hurts it really does, especially someone like me, always quick to put myself in other people's shoes. It's heart breaking..losing someone so close. But Jamie Lee said something I didnt remember as a child, 'Don''t ignore the living' It's hard to remove our minds, from those who are gone, but nothing we do can bring them back. We should focus more on life and those who are living. 

Another aspect of the movie that brought tears to my eyes, was the love shared between friends at such a young age, there was no guile, oh how we long for that now. Its such a thing as heartbreaking as death, here you only have people with ulterior motives (for the most part) around you. When Jesus said we had to become like children, he wasn't talking for fun. We think we know so much as adults and our minds and heart tend to get clouded and hardened. Kids show the purest form of love you can get. I have to live with this reality and acknowledge those I hold dear and hold them dearer, living life. 

     With this I say Happy Birthday to my Friend, Tosin ^_^ hip hip hooray

Where Do we go from here...

I started writing this note last Saturday..but I just could not find the words i really needed, but I will try.

I woke up friday morning thinking, Sometimes we forget people on the internet are real too. The past two days I found out one of those i met on an online forum, NL had deleted me off his facebook friendlist. Someone would think, 'It's only facebook' perhaps, but I didn't think he was just a casual acquaintance. Others have deleted me and I didn't even think twice about it. 

Anyway I was advised to ask him why, personally I thought, yeah..just to know where I stand. I did, and He says ' I didn't think you'd notice or give a fiddler's fart if you did. It's nothing personal. I removed a lotta people who were acquaintances and I rarely communicate with' I honestly can't tell where we got to this point. There are people i don't speak to in months, but when we talk its always a good thing. I was glad I knew, atleast, where I stood with him. And me, being me, I always think about most events of my life quite deeply.

I tweeted then 'The day that an ex-friend explains why he deleted you from his FB friendlist is the same day an old friend tells how much he misses you #life' That was exactly what happened. Someone i had worked with during NYSC and hadnt spoken to, up to five times after told me he that, I really appreciated it.

Some hours later, I heard that a guy I had had some banter with on NL, same forum..had died. This would have been the 1st of December or 30th Novmber my time when he was shot. I immediately felt cold after the whole thing managed to compute. I looked at all the news sources and what not, I just couldn't believe it. This person wasn't even my friend, I had interacted with him once or twice but I felt a sense of loss. 

He last posted on the 29th of November on the forum. The circumstances around his death, completely devastating,I can't imagine what the family are going through. It took me back to; http://teanni.blogspot.com/2010/02/tgiftomorrow.html

Sometimes we think people on here will forever be at a computer, only dying of natural causes, old age, hunger or electric shock. Perhaps..Rapture (as some school of thoughts think it) It's so easy to divide offline/online..but both are as real as each other.
Lots have been said but I couldn't change what I felt, the image replaying constantly in my head, only to wake up on Saturday and hear another terrible thing from Nigeria, I had nightmares..i couldn't sleep, I cried. But we move on.


Tuesday, was my graduation and I have had to ask myself what next? One of the graduants didn't even live to see the day... I appreciated every moment of it. What my family had done, what i'd done..I hold these memories in my heart. I'm at a point where I have to make solid decisions on how I want to move forward. They will not be popular ones, I know myself..But for the sake of my sanity and quality of Life I want for my self I must make them. I just want to take a deep breath and learn from every experience that I've been or I'm going through...One thing I always have at the back of my head though is that, Change is inevitable..the snow will not always fall, even in Caledonia..

Why is Death something sad?

I remember on an online forum PC, someone asked, Why is Death something sad? And the person said, personally they don't feel sad especially if it was a painless death*  This was my first post

Its either the thread-starter doesn't know the meaning of sadness or I am . Losing 20p is sad enough, talk more a whole human being. I've never had anyone close to me who died a simple nice death, so i obviously cannot grasp what this person is talking about.I have been sad, even now, i still sigh, when i think of what they may have become (the young ones esp). I don't feel sad because i would miss their company, I feel sad mostly cause of the dreams they had, that someone or something snatched away from them. Death in itself is nothing, my uncle was saying the other day, Death is one of the closest thing to each and everyone of us. If one was to live in such fear, you'd die just thinking of it

Many posters, echoed the same feeling, that Death was something to feel sad about..that is..those who are still living, The dead person cannot feel what we feel. For me, it's the finality of it - the thought that I will never, ever see them again. Someone says which i totally agree with. Its the most final thing, that's sad enough.

and my last post was

He wasn't my friend but I feel a great deal of sadness. Sometimes I read these things in the papers, I get sad because people just die anyhow. But actually haven interacted with the persons seems to make it worse, somehow you wish you didn't even know them at all. Its easy to forget people even on online forums are actual real people like you, they die and you'll never ever ever see their words again. Thinking of their family.....ah *sigh*

The finality of it, Is indeed very sad.

Death will always be something sad for different reasons to many people. But do we allow it to eat us up? I think not. We owe it to those alive to live in the best way possible. Death is not something that will only happen to some people, It is a sure thing for everyone alive now 'You live to die another day', so while you still have your breath, LIVE. Life is Now.

'God Mode'

Her name was Manon Batiste. The game was Medal of Honor: Underground. One of the FPS games I really enjoyed playing back in the days. When my brother bought the game, I was excited because here was a playable female character that would actually be interesting! not like Tomb Raider where Lara Croft and co bore the living daylights out of me!

I still remember the first stages vividly where I had to use a petrol bomb and as we all (gamers) know, the first stages of a game are the easiest even though you are playing in 'Easy' mode. So when I got into the fourth, fifth stages of the game...I began to feel uneasy. There was a sound the character made when bullets hit her 'Vuup! Vuup!' In one of the stages, is a sniper that you have to be very patient to know where he is shooting from, if not, 'vuup vuup' and your character is dead. I played the stage a couple of times because I'm not a very patient person and it really really got to me. Next thing, I went online to the very reliable gamefaq.com and got cheat codes YAY! i was gonna be INVINCIBLE a la GOD-MODE.  It didnt stop the game from being fun!! IMHO, lol, as some hardcore gamers would argue. I definitely didn't enjoy the idea of my character dying every second.

The memory of playing this game was triggered by the newest release of the series, which came out this month and has been highly controversial, it also got me thinking about life (as usual).We humans tend to create all sorts of fantasies, some form of escape, which tries to remove the harsh reality that we would all one day die. All the games we used to play from Mario where the charcaters all have extra-lives and chances to re-live to games like MOH where we have the option of Invinciblity elevating ourselves to a God-Like status. But we have to face reality at the end of the day, no matter what we do..we cannot live forever on earth. 

All the things we buy, all the stuff we acquire. There may be formulas for anti-aging..and what not, but i'm yet to see the formula that gives one invinciblity! Oooh the things I'd do, from jumping off buildings and airplanes to walking through fire and saving the world. We have created SuperHumans (Heroes as we call them) from Superman to Captain planet which mirror one of the Human desire. It only takes simple logic to work out that there has to be a plan for mankind, which is beyond what we see, this world isn't getting better, it's inevitable it will all end because it did start. ''All that is not eternal is eternally out of date.'' C.S Lewis

The desire for a 'God-Mode' quality only attests to the fact that there is a God somewhere who embodies this and much more. While we will never reach this 'mode' in this body. It is only reasonable that we live our lives in the best way possible, making the most out of each day. We have only the one..why live it as someone else's?

I'm really glad to see people finally waking up, embracing their OWN life and living. Death could come any time but haha in It's face! VICTORY because you LIVED!

Finally Gone.

Our President, Umaru YarAdua, dead at 58. There wasn't much this man did for the country i firmly believe, but when it comes down to it, a president is still a man, a human being. It saddens me when i see young people die, when i see sickness consume a life.

 I believe this man had a good heart, but was saddled with the wrong people around him. This was someone that would probably have never ran for president. I feel sad, i never liked the jokes that were coined from his name and what not, i remember someone actually ejecting me off their friend list because i stood against stuff like that. Now, He is dead, He is dead.

I am happy he can finally rest now, i can't imagine the anguish he would have gone through. Even if he just died now or months back, there is no doubt he suffered extreme pain, both from his ailment and the burden of evil around him.

Now we move on, I am proudly Nigerian, and i want my country great. The next step is to give the reins to the right person. Somehow, i hope this goes well, but now in this moment, R.I.P YarAdua.

TGIF..........tomorrow.

I've had a full week, i'm happy to take a day off tomorrow. The week did start kinda nice, had some time out at Nando's with a new friend. but i woke up really shitty on wednesday, it was raining and i got to school late. I was supposed to present to the design class, which i did. it didnt go down as well as i wanted but i realized my skills are getting stronger, my heart didnt threaten to beat it out of my chest too, so yay! to that.

WolfDad
First of, i did have a nightmare after watching the wolfman on monday. In the dream My dad was suspicious, and it was just a horrible feeling, lots of other things happened, like a flood.Then the power in the house going off and on. Someone with an axe trying to break through a wooden panel to my room. All sorts of crazy! I woke up , slept back for an hour again , when i woke up at about 4am, i just couldnt manage to sleep again. i havent been so spooked in a looong time, i was watching my back and trying to listen for strange sounds as i made my way to the bathroom that morning while everyone was fast asleep, now i know i would be passing on such movies...''The goddam movies. They can ruin you. I'm not kidding''

Reveal!
I try, i swear i try, to maintain friendships, to get involved..but i don't believe in forcing things. I'm not a group person or a groupie. I just can't function properly within large groups and such especially wehn the majority don't ''really' interact with you. Theres no point forcing stuff, im letting go. I just can't 'roll' with folk of unlike minds.

Team Praline
So i really like my new team and i'm going to try to give it my best, we have agreed on quite a number of things, and seem to have a better understanding of things and how we can work together. This should really end up fantastic

R.I.P
This morning, i casually log into my facebook at about 11:45 am and realise that a friend, someone i knew back at CU died this morning, it threw me into shock...He was shot by armed robbers in Lagos on his way to work. I remembered when i had a gun pointed at my head, my laptop, phone was taken, but what stopped them from shooting??... I also remembered my friend who had been in the same situ and gotten away and the others who commute at early hours just to get to work early. R.I.P friend :(

Sad.

GONE?

Unbelievable, the only other person I have felt such for was Diana.

R.I.P MJ