This Dating Business

I never understood the thing, and I am just starting to realize why. Sure, I have been on dates, many. With Black guys, White guys, Asian guys. Picnics, formal dinners. I enjoy it sometimes, dates that involve food are the trickiest, because I'm not very good at controlling a fork and a knife, at the same time. I enjoy being with guys, chatting and just generally going about. So why haven't I ever had a boyfriend? (apart from hating the term so much)

I remember when I was about 16 and a friend of mine sent an email to me about 'liking, loving' I was furious, he even ended up in my uni which was just weird, we never clicked again. I was always fascinated by people who turn up one day, and everyone is like they are dating. I wondered, who asked whom, how does the guy ask? when does he ask?, what does he say? will you be my girlfriend?. I got a dose of that soon enough and what a weird thing it was. I asked a friend who came again with 'liking, loving' I was in my 20s now. I asked, 'What will change?' He had said to me, 'of course I want to date you' and I just left with thinking, what would that mean? apart from hanging out as per usual, do I now have to kiss the guy and have sex? is that what dating is about? 

When I became close to a particular guy, I would watch him asleep in my bed and would think, it is appealing to 'own' someone, it is such a high that this one person in the whole wide world wants to be with just you...and also that you've got this one person you can be anything to but isn't that what a marriage is? How do you go back from 'owning' a person to seeing someone else over them, that hurts! Dating is neither here or there, but the stakes are still high! Crazy! it's Limbo.

I told someone recently who had asked about the alternative to dating. I replied 'none' Friendship is enough. If you have friends, I'm talking about real friends in the true sense of the word, and the guy decides to apply for a visa out of the friend zone and deep down you really like him as well, what is dating going to add? If you can't sit with your friend and discuss important decisions of life, who else?

Friend zone is the best zone in life. 

With Friends like This...

Me & Ham (2008)

You have hammered.

Sometimes it takes a bit of retrospection (casting of the eyes backward contemplatively ) to truly appreciate what you've had or the journey you have been on. I don't have many words to describe how grateful and thankful I am for this girl. I never knew that, at the moment we took the picture above in school that we would still be friends now, 5years after but time doth fly.

Ham wrote an amazing post about our journey HERE one I really can't compose. Read and appreciate, don't just see it as a story of both of us, but see it as an example of what loyalty and friendship means.

Love always to Ham.

Circus Kids

The Clown.

He made them giggle, loudly too. I'd never thought the sound of 50+ children, laughing, could be so beautiful. They were with family, and they seemed to be having a great time as well. Then something struck me...

Children.

Do we, should we all want them? We all were once, for some people it's actually hard to believe they were that tiny (pics or it didn't happen). I struggle with my thoughts around having children. I've always thought I'd love to do a Jolie-Pitt but there are so many things I'm scared of, things I'm not convinced of. Research says children do not make you happier i.e you don't have kids so you can be happy because it will go the opposite way, fast. So why then?

While sat in the Circus with the sound of laughter rising above the smell of animal urine, I began to understand a reason why. God didn't create us to make God happier, we were created to delight in this happy God, to share God's joy and bask in God's love, such delight. It's a huge responsibility but seeing all those families glowing made me want to share my love, share my joy. I was glad to have my sister with me, we had a jolly time.

True Story: The Soap Opera (I)

The Start

I met M on Hi5 in 2006. Remember Hi5? I know, I feel like I just sent you into a time machine. Anyways, we had a few chats here and there, we were in different countries at the time. In 2007, while on my IT (Industrial attachment) He had come into the country and came to see me where I lived. The day started nice but then there was the broken down car, I didn't hold it against him, I promise, it was cute. Fastforward to 2009, I told him I was going to be in his country where he lived and worked for my Masters degree. He seemed excited, and I was glad to be going somewhere different.

The North

I love to travel and was glad when he asked me to come up further north, he even paid for my tickets. I spent the weekend with him. It was a room in a shared flat. I could see better how I could relate to him and I started to like him and I told him. There were some nagging issues but He felt we could work on things and I thought sure, let's see how this goes.He sent me a handwritten letter.

I went up again during Christmas, there were some events we went for and I checked his phone for pictures, and then I stumbled on the picture of someone I knew. This picture belonged to a close friend of my older sister, who she has known since secondary school. I was devastated. I asked him about her, and he laughed and tried to dismiss it saying that she was chasing him, and that it was a small world.  I thought, that might be true, but I couldn't shake the fact, that she had stayed in the same house, with him, recently. Ofcourse he couldn't have known I knew her, but you don't entertain someone who is just chasing you.

The Break

When we were to part, I told him it could not work. We were both hurt in some way. Aside the case of my sister's friend, I felt we didn't have much in common at that point. He was a nice guy but I didn't find him physically attractive, I told myself not to be shallow, that physical attractiveness could come as you get to know and like someone, so these weren't deal breakers for me.

We kept in touch for a bit and things started building up again, I wanted him to give me assurance that he had resolved whatever was going on with my sister's friend, but I got none. I even got to see this woman with my sister later in the year. I just couldn't imagine 'fighting' with her for a man.

The American

I met a guy late 2010 and my focus changed. I was going on my own jolly way and he showed up. I really liked this guy and I thought 'May the best man win' The American won my heart but it wasn't easy. I was hurt that M didn't try harder...

The Friends

I went to University in the country I left with two girls who were very close friends S & F. I was close to F and S had been my actual classmate, we were friends to an extent. Pictures we took together are still on Facebook. In 2010, S did some hurtful things to F. One of which was leaving the country and not even letting her know. I remember these girls teasing me about the guys I liked, and I revealed The American and M to them. I found out through some chats later that she had gone to school in the same city as M.

To Be Continued...

Empty

I am totally out of opinions.

I was thinking of something to write about and I came up short. Only thing I can say at this point in my life is, I am making peace with somethings I got tangled in, friendships, betrayals, that sort of. Secondly! I am hopelessly pining after a guy I met once in a Starbucks. I mean, how does this happen, we only spoke like 10, 15 words between us and the sense of loss I feel is astronomical. He offered me his phone number, I turned it down (it's paining me now) because we live oceans apart and so on and so forth (decided not to be involved in LDRs because for some reason, I am attracted to guys that live far away from me! but no more!) or so I thought. 

One more thing to make peace with eh.

Primary Four

1994 was a very memorable year for me, I can remember so many things that happened. From New Year celebrations to the end of year move to Primary Five! the new building, yay!

• I celebrated my birthday at Apapa Club, I couldn't forget the way the Jollof rice was served, it was shaped like a hut.
• My youngest sister and last born was born, She will be 20yrs old 5months from now.
• I can't forget our move to LSDPC estate. It brought with it some fun times! but also grim times.
• I can't forget having to cut my hair, my mum said since I had been 'chopping' it with my hand, it would be better to cut it all off. I think I may have shed a tear, but I was excited to see how I'd look.
• After I cut it, I didn't think it was 'punk' enough and attempted to cut my hair using my mum's mirror as she slept in the room. The hot slap that followed shortly was enough to dispel every thought that exalted itself above the ones my mum had for me.
• I can't forget being mistaken for a boy after that! lol
• I can't forget having to chase a boy named Qudus, because he had stolen my money and gone to the barracks. I managed to catch him as he tried using my money to buy baba dudu.
• I can't forget being lashed strokes of cane on my legs, because of something I can't remember but had to do with elementary science.

There was something we used to do called 'messing'. I was popular at it. We also used to call it 'yab' It wasn't meant to insult, its was mostly funny but the main idea was to deliver the best lines in a sort of duel. I was mighty good at it, for real!! I remember everything. Here are some of the 'yabs'

• You mess, apple fly gate 
• You mess, kuli kuli tie wrapper 
• You mess, seven akara form voltron
• You mess, All the fish wey dey River Niger say, Are we save?
• You mess, Obasanjo repeat primary one
• You mess, puff puff wear pant
• With your black black nyash like devils bible
• You shit here, you shit there you dey find the L.C.M
• With your tun tun belle like seven o’clock news
• As you short you dey use ladder climb maggi.
• You no tall,you no short,you just be like headmaster biro
• As u fool reach, u enter office were A/C dey, u come dey halla say na here harmattan dey hide?
• With your ben ben leg like bendel state.

Some memory eh

Morning Fresh

I think that people are so cute when they just wake up in the morning. Maybe because they appear helpless, I don't know but it sure goes downhill from there.

M83

I am officially taken by M83.

It all began with Midnight City which I thought would make a great outro track if my life was a movie and also would be perfect for a road trip as my lover and I drive into the sunset. The sax though??? *shivers*

Next stop fell in love with Intro ft Zola Jesus, which I am definitely having on my Wedding song playlist. It will be an outro as my Beloved and I say goodbye to the party. It will be a live band playing it :)

Amazing, yes.

On Gay Marriage

Once upon a time my views were clear cut. They are still clear cut but largely irrelevant. A couple of questions loom large in my brain. Does Marriage save? Does Marriage make you holy? Does the law save? Does the law make people holy? If you are a Christian, you need to answer these seriously.

If it doesn't, what the fuss? If it does, carry on.

On Marriage

I have written about marriage a number of times, 

Excerpts from TD Jake's book, which I still agree with, Marriage made me catch cold. Facebook said my wedding would be June of this year, well it's September and I'm still unmarried, in your face Facebook! My uncle said I would marry a Yoruba guy, which made me really laugh, he just might be right. I still stand by this post, No one should be getting married just to have offspring Funny enough, that same friend, wanted to date me this year, naaa. 

I started a series called the Mrs Club, you can read part 1, part 2, part 3. I still don't get proposals and My husband can come from anywhere, yes, even the internet! 

But! I must revisit the subject for some reasons. I admit, I have an aversion for the matter, I do not like to see people (some) get married, mainly because they don't seem to understand what they are doing. I do get a sick sense of satisfaction when I see some get divorced, It's almost like me saying 'I told you!'

Anyway, even in that I asked God to help me see it in a different light, why? because God created humans and created marriage. "For this reason.." That's the only way I was going to drop my selfish and stubborn approach.

Something dawned on me today when I talked to a colleague who just got married. She had been already been living together with her husband, they had a house, joint accounts and properties for the past 7 years. I asked her if she felt different and you could see the joy in her face. She said she had no idea she would be 'happier' even though, after the registry and intimate celebration with friends they went back to their normal routine. There was no reason for her to be happy, nothing had changed, she didn't gain any thing. 

Yes, I realized that the reason for her joy was the simple fact that God ordained marriage. Now, moving on to the other things that became clear to me. This is all gonna get spiritual up in here!

1. The Root (The proposal)

The bible makes it clear that our salvation depends on God alone. We depend on God. We are just to accept the gift but we can't do anything to make God love us more or less neither can we do anything to turn us holy or holier, grace is freely given. 

Marriage is a shadow of salvation, Paul talks to Husbands and Wives in Eph 5:22-33 and in 32, talks about the root and the whole point. Christ and us the Church. Marriage for us should be such that when we accept our groom's proposal, nothing should be able to come between us. The Groom should not love us less or more based on our behaviors, I know we are but humans... The Groom as the name implies should be helping us become a better person (vice versa on the human level) 

2.The Mark (The contract)We have been sealed with the Holy Spirit Eph 1:13,14. We have not just been proposed to, but a contract has been drawn up, and sealed. The bible makes a clear distinction between spouses and partners we just live with (See the Woman at the well) We are Christs's without a shadow of a doubt. People tend to respond very well to facts (A marriage certificate for example). This is where for me the importance of having a tangible marriage contract comes in, even though I still don't think it should be physical.  However at this point, we don't do things to make our groom love us more, instead we do things because of the love the groom has poured on us and overflows from us. How do you love?, you do the things your beloved asks you to do, If my husband, asked me to go to the registry court with him, I would go now with no argument. Another aspect is obeying the laws of the land, if the country you live in doesn't recognize a marriage without it being officially put down in the registry you shouldn't disobey, live by the laws of the land. 1 Peter 2:13-17.

3.The Fruits (The feast)

Now, for folks that are in Christ, you didn't accept Christ so you can bear fruits, you bear fruits only because Christ transforms you. You don't do good so that God can love you, You do good because God loves you. Same with marriage. In the bible, offspring are referred to as fruits and also the actions of the Spirit. So, you don't bear a child so you can be married neither do you go into a marriage so you can bear children. The love you have within your marriage should be the motivator for you to bear fruits, children. And even if you don't bear fruits that people see, it doesn't invalidate your salvation. The thief on the cross didn't have a chance to bear fruit but he was going to be in paradise with Christ. So people who do not have children are not less married. Children should be born out of love.

Wheew, that's as far as my thoughts have carried me, until next time.

Peace.

The Ugly Truth

I'd been thinking of getting my teeth fixed, so I went for a free consultation to check out what could be done and at what cost. At the end of the consult, the doctor told me 'I hope I didn't make you feel bad' why? I had only gone to check my teeth and then I was told I had a facial deformity. I had suspected this before and naturally began to feel sorry for myself, but even much more, it made me begin to think about beauty and ugliness in a new way.

People like the platitude that goes 'Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder' however there are beauties and uglies that lie in the eyes of ALL beholders. This has nothing to do with certain races or certain features on a body or face. It is all about genetics; bone structure, cultural elements and mechanical incidents.

My worldview begins with God creating the world and sin corrupting creation. In light of this, it makes a lot of sense, when I consider that sin actually makes us ugly, both inside and outside. God's love and grace heals both in His time. God saves the spirit which is twisted, ugly and only tending to death and will allow this corrupted body to die, allowing us to be raised in new bodies.God also saves the corrupted body, through miraculous healings and the intelligence of Doctors to correct some of these conditions.

From my consultation and further research I made, even if you don't share my worldview, it is easy to see that the people we would choose as being ugly or not very fine, perhaps plain, would have one deformity or the other. These deformities are usually passed down by genetic accident, e.g I inherited my dad's deformity but my other sisters didn't) Some obviously are caused by mechanical injury, blows, fire, car accidents e.t.c.

Understanding all of this, makes me see ugliness/beauty in a new light. None of us chose our faces or bodies when we were born. Most of us did not choose to be in accidents that deform us neither to be born into cultures which do so. Therefore it begs us to be kind to one another. It certainly would not get rid of the ugliness but it will stop you from being ugly. It's not about looking beyond the ugliness, which you can't but welcoming it knowing that in the end, age and time will deal with us all accordingly.

As someone who believes in Christ, It makes me hate sin much more, it makes me long for an incorruptible world, one which we have been promised. The most wonderful thing is despite all these imperfections, we are still the same in value, we call some of these imperfections quirks, and people even love us for these particular flaws. This is what you get with a GOOD, Wonderfully and Fearfully made product :)

Quick Questions

Will you correct your deformity?

The Doctor told me I would have to lose about 8 of my teeth and then break my bones to fuse things together properly. OMG. I don't think I'm going to risk this especially in the light of what I know. Many have done it and the change is really remarkable, but there is no guarantee I would like my new face, no matter how fine it is :)

How do I acknowledge ugliness

Humans know right from wrong. We will always naturally gravitate to what gives us the most pleasure, be it in what we see, hear, taste. One thing I try to keep at the back of my mind is, 'we did not create our looks' It could have been anyone. If health is being affected, then encourage them to get these conditions corrected. Also, never forget that beauty on the inside is much more sustaining and attractive in the long run. 

The Magic We Knew

We all start out knowing magic.

We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand.

But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it churched out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out. We get put on the straight and narrow path and told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up, for God’s sake.

And you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they’d allowed to wither in themselves.”
~ Robert R. McCammon

Siblings are Forever

The very best thing that your parents can give to you is brothers and sisters

           Father Schall said

It is perfectly alright to be an only child, but there is an abundance of joy in having brothers and sisters.

Two years after my brother, Emmanuel went to the great beyond. We had to eat up all the baby formula that had been bought for him before they expired. It wasn't morbid. I think my mum preferred us to eat it than seeing it go to another baby out there. Fun times. My grandma made baby toys out of the formula scoops. Red scoops they were, I couldn't forget this period. 

 Brothers & Sisters Forever.

On Abortion

Life is not black and white. People make mistakes. We choose bad paths sometimes. Hope comes when we admit where we have done wrong but like Don Colacho says which I strongly agree with...

 "Modern stupidities are more irritating than ancient stupidities because their proselytes seek to justify them in the name of reason."

 "The arguments with which we justify our conduct are often dumber than our actual conduct."

The argument of pro-abortion on the status of the child in the stomach is totally absurd. For a person to say that the child growing in their womb is not a human being is one of the most stupid things my brain has ever encountered. So far history has told us of how people are usually dehumanized (Cross-Atlantic Slave Trade, Holocaust e.t.c) so that a mass for people can justify treating human beings anyhow or killing them without remorse and yet this seems to have come full circle again. These are sad times for the people of earth.

"If abortion means anything, it is that human life is of great significance. You merely acknowledge "potential life."

A question I ask myself is why people fall into such situations, there are many understandable scenarios but where a woman has access to the coil, contraceptives, govt support e.t.c where is the excuse? I may have an abortion tomorrow because I don't know what tomorrow brings, but heaven knows, I would  have lost a part of me.

"If women call kill their unborn children with no remorse, who is safe?"

On Sex

I feel very privileged to be able to have a lot of time to think about certain issues and form my own life path from them. they are not static views, sometimes they change.

My thoughts on sex have changed quite a bit however there are some elements that do not change. So I was having a chat with someone and the person goes. "I don't do no sex until marriage, who does that in 2013" my first thoughts were it hasn't been more necessary than now to not have sex untill marriage. My aunt works in the HIV/AIDs unit of a London Hospital, and it moves her to tears daily. Still, I digress. I told the person 'Me' 'I do that in 2013' and of course the sneer of 'Clap for yourself' 'You should be a pastor' came out as expected. Then I gave my viewpoints on the matter.

I think sex is absolutely serious, it is important, something that can create LIFE??? c'mon, let's think about it a minute. I have no doubt that sex can be amazing, but that is the thing about life, the thing capable of giving the most pleasure is capable to giving the most pain as well. Sex is not to be played with. I think sex is underrated in the way it can completely change/disrupt a person's life and also it's ability to bond people STRONGLY especially if the perceived outcome was 'Good' or 'Great' sex. I was specifically thinking of my male friends, though married who admitted that their best sex partners were not the women they were married to and if they were to met those other women privately, they can't promise that they wouldn't have sex with them again. Sex can also make you hate a person or yourself deeply especially if it's been a 'bad/terrible' experience.

Again, as someone who is particularly strong-willed, I have tried to consider these things in my own life. I have made some sexual mistakes as well but the real problem of sex is not sex itself but the monster that it can grow into when people refuse to think about their actions. Sex is then overrated and becomes a god because people come to a point where they MUST get it.

Not having sex doesn't kill, doesn't make one less attractive, less intelligent, less whatever it is that is important to their identity. In fact it is likely to rob one of these things when it goes wrong.

So far for me, there is no tangible benefit to having sex except it being a love/bonding exercise with the guy I am committed to loving and respecting. And when a new life is created what's better than having a life come into a world with two loving parents?

We are in this life of course. Mistakes happen, hearts are broken. We don't want to look back at the pain we've been through. Reality.

However it is far far better to aspire to the best than to mistakes.

The Point of No Return.

If someone told me I would have boy drama in my life, I would have just laughed at their face. This year alone, I've had three which is a major WTH for me. Once upon a time I blogged about a certain Magician here and here   We had a bit of history, bla bla...

Well, the magician is getting married. It's funny how the same thing I was trying to avoid from doing to someone happened to me. Once upon a time I saw my sister's friend's (VERY close friend) photo on his phone. To say I was surprised is an understatement, but of course statements like "It's a small world" and "She was chasing me" is what I got to hear. Anyways matter dropped.

Somehow I get to hear that Magician is getting married and to whom? A girl that I was in the same class with for 5 years of Uni and we all knew each other before they even started dating. He said it all started casual between them and then escalated. Ok.

I think I may be reacting to the whole thing badly, but I honestly at this point do not want to hear nada about their life. I'm finally accepting that we were never really friends none of us. *sigh* That's the hard part to take, I guess. I was a bit of a friend to the girl, not friend friend but friend enough to chat here and there, have pictures taken together bla bla. I told him though, I really wish it was someone else. 

He admitted to have been holding out for a bit...but I am a strong believer in people taking responsibility for their actions, there is no one to blame. I told him, that we weren't meant to be and that we had reached the point of no return, and for me now, there's no need to pretend that there was any form of friendship. Magician wanted to be married and he has gotten what he wanted. I really do wish 'em the best.

Home-Made Body Butter

I am a natural junkie, not yet but I think I'm getting there. There's a good side to it and it's mixing up things. I made this body butter in minutes, without any forethought and I think it's pretty good.

What's in it?

Shea butter
Aloe Vera
Avocado Butter
Glycerine
Olive oil
Coconut Oil
Essential Oils - Rosemary, Lavender, Chamomile, Rose, Neroli

How?

I just mixed it all up in a plastic container, gave a good whip around.
10 drops each of the essential oils and voila!

Why?

It is not greasy and it is absorbed well by the skin while giving it an amazing sparkle.
Especially good for winter and dry skin.

Because I'm not an Insect

I decided to take up knitting. My sister still thinks it's for old women. However I have seen a lot of young 'uns knitting it up, sometimes in public transportation which I think is really cool. It's also not a bad thing to add to one's skill-set, the brain can handle it.

Anyhoo, it's been relaxing and interesting, and hopefully, by next winter, I would be rocking my own handmade scarf :)

2013

Everyone! Happy New year! Welcome, I'm glad you made it as well. There's been a lot of changes in my life and 2013 I believe is going to be very exciting for me as I explore new territory. Cheers and Watch this space.