A Sunday in September

I wore a nice summery knee length dress and because I don't trust the British weather too much, threw on a yellow cardigan. I put my shades and sunscreen on, then headed central. I was going to meet my sister after church, I hadn't seen her and husband in a long time. 

They had decided to attend the early morning service of the church I attend on a somewhat irregular basis. This I had never done before, but I mustered all the strength to leave my NW abode at such an ungodly time. It was going to be worth it I encouraged myself.

During the service, which is always uplifting, I prayed that my sister and husband didn't find it boring, this was eons from the charismatic, hand clapping, hip gyrating and banding playing congregation they were used to in Lagos. The sermon was on Revelations and a hope to look forward to in heaven, it was going to be given by a brand new minister of the church, this increased my apprehension. I would look back on this and wonder why I ever bothered, God works in many ways.

After we sang the final hymn and took some time to reflect on what we had just heard, I took out my phone and tried to locate my sister, but then I saw her call come in! Good timing. Hugs, and more hugs, I was really glad to see them, clearly they enjoyed the service, relief. While they got some books for themselves and my nieces, I had to say hello to a number of people but I was starving.

It was with great joy, I walked alongside my sister and her husband as we looked for a place to eat. We both had sunshades on, the weather was that brilliant, I began to picture the three of us, having breakfast, laughing, with nice sunlight and fresh breeze in our faces. Then my sister spoke and I came back to reality, 'Let's go there, it's only £5.65' She had said. I looked over and some some seating outside the restaurant, ''oh great" I said, "we could sit out in the sun". "No oh", my sister said, "It's too hot, you know we Lagos people like to be yellow". I guess some things never change.

The Reluctant Blogger

I was born contemplating, but writing is one of those things that help me get my thoughts into the outside world. This however is not the easiest of things for me. Speaking is another channel but worse, I mean, how do I find the right words to describe what I see so clearly in my mind.
It is a blessing that some times I do come across some people whose writing puts in a far more eloquent way, some of the things I've got stuck inside and I'm extremely grateful for them.

Read It.

Child of the Night

I've always been a night owl, but I haven't particularly liked the darkness. There was a time I could not sleep with the lights out, boarding school was a series of nightmares for a while. Yes, I found myself jumping into my friends beds some nights, it was that bad.

I love the night though, especially now that my panic and anxiety attacks are beginning to lessen, surely I have come a long way from my 13yr old self at boarding school. The best bit of the night, apart from the lovely quiet, the sound of life shutting down, my shower. Yes, my shower is just amazing. 

There was a youtube video I came across a while back, the lady talked about habits we needed to cultivate and taking a night time shower was one of them. I used to do it sometimes but was not really committed to it. But her simple explanation of the necessity drew me in. It seemed like common sense that had flown over my head. Let me outline the benefits of this nighttime shower.

1. You wash away all the struggles of the day

2. It is very calming, yes, I was only able to write this post after the shower my brain had been foggy since I got back from work

3. You will feel fresh and alive (Also drink loads of water)

4. Having a shower releases serotonin, so you go to bed happy and you will have a pleasant sleep

5. You go to your bed clean, which also promotes a good sleep, instead of bringing all the germs of day (work, public transport, car fumes, all sorts of people, bags, food, you name it!)

6. It is just wonderful, it makes me keep my sanity with clarity of mind and focus.

7. I smell wonderful! makes me happy!

There's only one thing that could probably make this child of the night happier *wink*

Broken Things

I am a hoarder. There, I said it. Looking at my bathroom vanity it is evident. I bet the nice housekeeper who comes in every Wednesday to clean thinks it too. I find its way more than that though, lots of the things I keep are in fact broken and should have made their way to the dustbin but somewhere in my mind, i keep convincing myself I can fix them. 

In the past few years I realize that this applies to people in many ways. I'm attracted to the broken, people who are in need of help, somewhere inside me begs to have them whole again. I genuinely love to help people, but sometimes I forget that many aren't really seeking help or help from me. It's a bit upside down because I am usually the last person to ask for help. I feel blessed with my lot and I don't like to think of bothering someone else for what I want. My motto in this context has been, If I don't have it, I don't need it, even though I want it, and that is fine. I tell you, it may read nice, but it can also be quite dangerous, because sometimes we don't know what we really need or if we have it.

I looked at the broken nail file for an extra second and I thought, No I can't fix this, it tumbled into the dustbin quite nicely and I felt much better.

Onward

Dear K,


How are we?  

It's been a chill week so far compared to the tumultuous July. Now, I am better able to focus on the things I need to be doing. I have a backlog of stuff that needs to get done, but the level of busy-ness in the past couple of weeks didn't really allow much breathing space. I've decided to take a break from events and instead focus on my writing. My weekends have been busy too and since June, I've hardly had a day to myself. I'm crossing my fingers for next week because this weekend is full but exciting. I will be going to watch the Men's Basketball today at the Olympic Park, gotta get into the spirit you know! lol. Tomorrow, I will be meeting some friends at church, one who is due to give birth and another who just got engaged! good times, we may be off for a Sunday Roast, but I'm thinking I'll just head back home.

Some things I will be trying to get done over the next couple of weeks include; Getting back on my high calorie diet and good eating plan, I realized I gained 2kg between April and now, I'm excited to gain some more! And also keep doing my Pilates and Core workouts at the Gym.

I need to sort out a number of items I NEED to give away, I do want to live simpler. I've got books, papers, financial records to get in order. Also, I need to make my contact with folks that matter even more frequent, it's so easy for me to turn into myself #notgood

Then my birthday! I plan to travel to some European country for a week, alone. However one of my older sisters plans to be around for summer, I need to confirm that but whatever the case I should be able to do a getaway even if it's 3 days.

Exciting times ahead but I have to get through day by day with God's love spurring me on and the love of those who are around me #blessed The best thing is the opportunity to love others and help where ever I can.

That's it for now K, I look forward to challenges and the overcoming.

Cheers,

E

I Love to Dance!

Contrary to popular belief, I actually love to dance and I don't mind doing it on the streets. I choose to stay happy! What else could make me happier than the fact that we are in the bestest month of the year! yay its August again! Oh no, you couldn't mistake me for being the child of another month. I'm a through and through Augustina!

Now, we know for sure that this year is coming to close, grateful for being able to see it so far. LOADs of things have happened but I look forward to what more Life has to show me.

I had a really enjoyable June/July and I can only hope for better in the coming months. A number of close friends passed by and I was really happy to see them.

On the workfront? it's been up and down, annoying, heartbreaking, with nice folk leaving the company. anways life moves on.

What I can I say, I'm sat here typing this blog post racking my brain for something to actually write. I think I will let August speak for itself and if there's anything I feel I must absolutely post. I will come back here to rant and rave. For now,

Adios!

Dear K,

Yes oh yes, it's July! We are in the second half of the year! Next thing you know, I'll be sat on Father Christmas laps again!

Anyway so much has happened between April and now, three months just gone like that. There was a bit of up and down, there still is! lol but hey ho! I'm still standing. the highlight of it all was my trip to the Carribean in June, it was completely impromptu and I had to do something spontaneous for the first time in my life lol!

We march on! I just managed to get myself a PC at home, so blogging continues in full force! there's so much I want to do! Can't wait. 

Bye Bye for now!

E.

A Good Saturday in April

Dear K,

I have so much to tell you. Such a long time too. There's been a lot of changes. Regarding all my health issues, I went to do an ECG. It was so invasive, I'm glad it was done by a female doctor, not very glad actually but at least I can sleep at night. The result was good, so apparently I really am battling with stress and anxieties. How do I deal with that now? I'm having to go to the gym, I tried Kundalini yoga the other day, it's very tough. I'm going to be learning how to swim, doing pilates, some strength training and cardio. I also want to get my teeth done. I'm going to go for a free consultation soon, and probably get invisalign. I have also started counting calories! I need to eat certain amounts more than 2000 calories a day to actually gain any weight. I'm targeting 60kg in August.

My mum came around in March and we finally had 'the talk'. I was really glad to see her but didn't want to see her too much so I could dodge the awkward conversations on men, money and marriage. Anyways, she trapped me one night after work, while we were in the kitchen having dinner at my place. I told her I didn't have to get married and she was taken aback and furious, I tried to explain to her that she already had grandkids, lol! plus I had four more siblings that could be put to the task. I did tell her about W, I think my mum just wanted to hear that I'd considered a MAN, not a woman. She also said she didn't mind if the guy was going to be 'White'. I told her if I was going to do a wedding, it would have no jamboree, just family and we, the couple. She was fine with it, what a relief! It was sad to see her go, but I was fricking happy that she made a number of dishes which I have stocked in my freezer before she left.

Work. My colleague was fired. I don't know all the details but I was so surprised, not too surprised in that I thought the guy was going to call it quits himself. I'm having to step up big time, I have interviewed a junior person, who I will be managing from next week. There also is this guy...I won't say much about him, but there's been a bit of flirting here and there. Just going to watch and see how it goes.

Right now, I think I'm in a really good place. I'm understanding more and more what it means to trust God. I'm getting to know God on a whole new level. Lots of things still don't make sense to me, but I think keeping an open mind makes it worth it. I may not know something today, neither do I know what tomorrow will bring. I love my church, and the people I've got to meet through it. Leading a bible study is a huge task, and one can't pray enough for strength and courage.

I do have a cold now, and W is around, I really just hope we can figure out what we want from each other, and where we should be heading in the months to come. I really do respect this guy.

It's Easter. Yay. I'm off work for 6 days, trying to get all the rest I can. This is one of those times you get to remind yourself, how good you have things. I called up family, wishing them the best for now and ever. Got to speak with my dad, who brought up the topic of my writing, I wonder what spurred him to inquire. I love to write, I love fiction, but in the past years, I haven't done it as seriously as I'd like, as seriously as I took it in secondary school, where my books got stolen. I think this is something to really put into action. I was thinking about developing a site with someone on writing, given my new knowledge of coding in wordpress, I may have to give it a go myself.

Hmm, exciting times.

Do have a brilliant time this Easter break, and we shall talk soon. See! a pic for you.

Yours, E.

End of February Blues

Dear K,

I hope you are ok, I'm a right mess. Ok, not really but my last two weeks have been pretty rough. From Anxieties to Stress, I'd been anxious over my health you know. I went to see a therapists, who tested the muscles all over my body, I was scared for a bit, a man do ing all these stuff, in his room..anything could have happened. I'm really glad I still managed to go for the Weekend Away at Ascot with my bible study group. It was refreshing and a great reminder that I should cast all my cares on God. 'Why be anxious about anything' Jesus said.

After it all, getting back to work was not easy.lol. I got my test results also and they were normal! weight lifted off. My older sister came in and I saw her off this last weekend, after a whole day of walking up and down in the West-End my legs hurt! Finally got those Uggs, now I can see what the fuss is all about. My Sunday was chill, I was home alone, ordered waffles and ice-cream, I really lived it up lol.


Anyways, I was at my Uncle's because my sister was staying there, when I got home Saturday night, my Landlady told me I had flowers waiting for me, I was like Who, Who? I was so surprised, I couldn't imagine who. I thought, what if W had sent them? My Landlady asked, do you know who sent them? I was like 'Not yet, I have to ask' 'All these guys' she quipped. In my mind, I thought 'yeah right'
So there, the first ever flowers I've gotten from a guy. There was a note attached, which made me guess even more that it was W.


Yeah, I and W, we've gone our ways. It's so hard to be in a LDR, I think it's one of such things that added to my stress. A relationship that barely even started. You know he went on a 'break' this month, and even while I was looking forward to the end of the break, when we got to speak, the reality dawned on me, that there was no use. Things have to move beyond this situation of being oceans apart, not communicating frequently or doing stuff together *sigh*, there was no solution so it all had to come to an end. We are still friends ofcourse, but I'm going to have to stop seeing him in that light. It's not easy, but better now than later.
I will update you as things go by. So far this is where we are at. I leave you with a picture of the flowers, so lovely. I know I owe you a picture of my hair, will do in my next letter.


Bye Bye for now.




E

Panic Room

Dear K,

How are you doing. I am sure you are in pain just as I am. Whitney Houston..unbelievable. I was still awake when I saw the news stream through my twitter feed. I had to double check my brain, there is no one else with that same name that I knew. Devastating. What's even worse is you can't begin to imagine what the family is going through. 

All what I was going to write to you about seems so insignificant now. Let's talk about life and what's more important. Last week, I've been having some issues and I did go see the doctor, currently expecting results. And then on Sunday, after managing to get some sleep after seeing the sad news, I woke up with a massive headache. It seemed like my brain had turned to stone, just awful. I still managed to get down to church, had a chat with a number of people, then headed to my Uncle's house for his birthday. The atmosphere in this house is always really warm and cosy but for some reason I was still as cold as ice. My headache was getting worse and my temperature started climbing. It was while I was lying in bed later, medicated, after having a panic attack, that I could see how the day came together.

My landlady and family traveled Sunday Morning. The trains were not running from my station and I wanted to go to church, normally I wouldn't have gone. Then it being my Uncles birthday meant I had to go to their house plus my sister was flying in otherwise I wouldn't have gone out.

Now, What if I had to be home alone, with everything coming down on me. I would have had to go to A & E and only God knows what would have happened to me. 

Whitney's issue, My issue, once again solidifying the fact that we humans are NOT meant to be alone. We can have our privacy but to be alone, is just not right.

I got lots of help yesterday and I am just so glad to have such people around me. My sister and I talked around my thing with our mum. I really can't pinpoint why our relationship is so strained, but I will definitely put more effort into keeping in touch, my sister says she will be around sometime soon, I think that'd be wonderful.

I hope you are doing great. I just want you to know that I will always be there for you, as much as my capabilities can go.

Yours Always,

E.

The Weeknd

Dear K,

How have you been? You asked about my weekend, well it was Chill. That's the word that really seems to fit everything this weekend. I woke up on Saturday with some sniffing, I didn't do my usual, 12am. I woke up about 9am, I really wanted to get productive. I had a shower and began to arrange my room, you know it's never really a disaster but I like things a bit more tidy. I thought about the next week, I punished myself for that, weekend is for rest. 

After breakfast of scrambled eggs, Nigerian style, remember? With peppers, curry, maggi..except I had no maggi but it tasted really nice. I ate it with bread and butter then I started to think of what to do with my hair, you see I loosened it from my braids on Friday night and it's grown so much, I can't stop touching it. Anyways I opened two new packs of kinky hair and began to twist my hair I wish I did't start because it wasn't worth the effort, I loosened them on Sunday morning. 

For the rest of Saturday, I did laundry and really cleared up my room, I was satisfied, I even managed to hang up that painting I bought, two for a Fiver lol! with Blue Tack. My landlady told me later that evening, it was going to snow. She and her family were so excited, I thought, perhaps white folk don't feel white until it snows. Snow? I had given up on it anyway. Really, I was not ready for it at all, so when I peeked outside my bedroom bay windows and saw the white landscape, mixed emotions welled up in me. It seemed like that guy you waited for all your life and then when you finally let go, he comes back and declares love but the glad thing is, soon after, you realise that while he's pretty to look at, in minutes he would turn icy and could kill you. No my dear K, snow is not for me. 

One good thing though, I got to chat with C, she's somewhere in North America, great gal, it was wonderful catching up. I listened to a sermon from the church on Trust, it really got to me, you know how I am.lol. Did I tell you I'm now a Quora addict? Hehe. 


 Sunday! I woke up with promise then I found out the trains from my station were not running, yikes! there goes my shopping. Got breakfast as usual, I'm trying to eat on time these days but I had it at 12pm! Still I was determined to have a good day. I got to watch the Prime of Miss Jean Brodie I couldn't love Maggie Smith more and The Lion King! I Recorded it this time, I was overjoyed plus did I tell you I saw it at the Lyceum Theatre, Christmas Time? it was Amazing!!! We have to go see it together. Later I did some laundry and concentrated on my hair and oh yes I made some mean rice mix with that roast chicken from Tesco, I tell you this store is the devil. By the end of the day I'd made good enough progress with my hair, I'll send u a picture when I'm completely done, for now enjoy my winter picture!.

Hello There

It's a new month, an old year and what not. Not much is going on in my life, but I'm extremely grateful for the bit that is. I want to lend my talents to much more because I do feel im under utilizing my time. Lots of projects I've started have gone no where mostly because I think I have no support, but I've found out the reality of that. I'm happier that I'm being able to affect peoples lives directly as they affect mine. Anyways, I want to start a new way of writing my blog since I've been highly uninspired recently. I would blog by writing a letter to my friend, K. I've always loved K names since I can remember, but it does partially lend itself to one of those I first ever remember calling a friend.

Cheers!

I'm Becoming My Mother

My mum is one of the most caring people I know. Weird for me to say that, but one day I've had to admit the truth. She obviously hasn't done EVERYthing that I've liked, but it was her way of expressing things. It definitely is not the best and could be wrong, but it was the only way she knew how.

One of the images in my mind as I think of my mum, is her energy and strength. She would do a million and one things for the family before taking off her shoe.

Yesterday, after work, I went down to the grocery store, that is, I spent 2hrs between my work and my house. When I got in, I went straight for the kitchen, and began to cook. After 30mins, with everything slow cooking, I got a bowl of cereal and decided to sit down. Just then, I realized I hadn't even taken my coat off, my scarf still around my neck and even my ear-muff was on my head. I smiled and took a seat. 

Some New Year Advice

Resolutions. I know this is definitely in almost everyone's mind. We all love the idea of a fresh start..a clean slate. We want to plan, we want to take action and mostly we'd prefer to be successful at it. Well, I have just the resolution for you; if you are going to watch The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2011), DO NOT see it with family (err..except your spouse).

Good Luck.

Happy New Solar Orbit.

Who even says it's today that the earth began a new orbit around the sun. My ancestors used to mark a 'year' with the new yams which they harvest. But imagine a world where everyone is running on their own time, nothing will get done. While time is relative, unity is more important. That's why I am here :)


I was going to write a massive end of 2011 post, but I like a fresh start better. 2011 was a year of growth, in lots of ways. I had a number of 'firsts' and I was forced to acknowledge my weaknesses, more importantly I knew that I had strengths to build on.


So when the clock struck 12:00 am, I was sat on my bed with my flat screen tv tuned to BBC. I had changed it from a comedy show just seconds before, and I heard people on the telly, chant; 5, 3, 2, 1 HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Everyone screamed. I was ready to sleep but the fireworks display was pretty awesome PLUS they played DBanj's music, sign of things to come? I managed to get a foot and back massage before I eventually slept. I woke up at 12:00 pm, called a number of folks and family. I have thought about many resolutions for the year, but the one that seemed to stand out today is to make more time for 'family' they are worth it.


Have a Splendid Year.

Nobody is Single.

Image: Bienenwabe

The first time I learnt about this story, The Lonely Death of Joyce Vincent ...some months back, I was moved to tears. I've always wanted to live alone, but with other people. I remember describing to someone, how if one lived alone, calling for help in an emergency may be impossible. I don't think humans are supposed to live alone. What bites me most about the story is that no one bothered to check for her, it hits close to home, but 3 years...astonishing. I wish we would realize how much strength we can find in reaching out to someone, and if we took more time outside of our own selves to reach out to people like this. 

I remember some weeks ago when I took a sick day off from work. I learnt about the death of El-rufai's daughter who is my agemate, and lived alone. I almost had a panic attack, I was so sad about it. I thought to myself, alone in my room. 'I don't want to end up like that'  Humans..we all need somebody.

This leads me to one thing that is true, Nobody is Single. Everyone has atleast one relationship with another person. And even if you can't pinpoint a specific relationship, think of your relationship with Humankind and Nature. A man-woman relationship or sexual relationship isn't the zenith of relationships, it is just ONE kind. People should not be made to feel less than they are because they are not  in that kind of relationship, some can EASILY do without this (e.g ME) with no sense of loss. 

Ofcourse 'society' will pander to what sells, Sex, Romance, this drives SALES, but is really a selfish concept and has made people think less of themselves. The individualistic philosophy of the Western world, where everyone screams ME, ME, ME has lead to this terrible, harmful mindset. We can do without this and is really the better way.

If you are alone in your house this season, stop thinking about yourself for one second and lamenting that you are 'single' There are many out there, who need someone to talk to. Call somebody, Go to your local shelter and volunteer, do something!

I hope it won't be too late for us to realize that all we have is each other.


Edit: If you can read> http://www.cascadance.com/why-neuroscience/
also, Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers..where he writes about the Rosetta Community, very interesting.

A Festival of Slaps

Ok, so I thought this video below was very funny. So funny that it made tears run down my cheeks. If it doesn't make you laugh, then we can't be friends.

A week ago, I heard about another 'festival of slaps' video, and was keen to see what it was all about. I heard it involved 'Bishop' Oyedepo, I knew this was not going to make me laugh given his past records and I was right.

Not only did I not laugh, I felt angry. So angry it made tears run down my cheeks. If it doesn't make you sad, then you can't be human.

I am sad about Ignorance, one which led her to that church.

I am angry that this man could assault someone and in public then go scot-free. Not only preaching a self-centered gospel but living in that way. It makes me boil.

What can We do? 

Educate People, Take a Stand against such and Pray! 

Ceremonials

One of the better albums I've listened to this year. My best songs are;
Shake It Out
No Light, No Light
Never Let Me Go
If Only For The Night
Spectrum
Remain Nameless
Heartlines

Plus I just realized that 'You've got the love' is a Gospel track, I couldn't love it more.

Are You Bored?

see funny christmas pics here

I don't like to believe that I am the only who is bored of having to celebrate the same things, year in, year out. Are we so uncreative that we cannot attempt to make our celebrations a bit more 'special' 

 It saddens me that organizations use these celebrations, these 'traditions' to prey on us the gullible, adverts go up when you expect them, urging you to buy some expensive gift for your 'loved ones' 

 I am quite certain that if we refuse to accept things that have just been handed to us, it would be less easy for things to control us. 

 That said, I can't wait to move to my farm.

Blink!

'Snap Judgements' 'Impulse buys' 'First Impressions' We all know what these mean, decisions we take at the spur of the moment which are not premeditated or planned before hand. I call FALSE, and this is exactly what Malcolm Gladwell in his Blink! book points out. Snap judgments are not really made up there and then, they take time to build up, they are 'learned'. Even emotions, a hot tempered person wasn't born hot tempered. Actions and Decisions are complex, nothing really happens 'simply'

Yesterday I tried to explain the reasons I left Twitter to someone who asked why. I remember saying 'It wasn't like I planned it or anything, I was just tweeting and then I just stopped' When I put the phone down, I felt like I had just lied. While my decision at the time, appeared to be done, 'snaply' I had thought about leaving twitter, times without number, I had thought of the things that I couldn't reconcile with myself. Basically it had been a long time coming.

Another example, would be suicides which leave you with no explanations as to what must have happened. Gary Speed, everyone is saying 'oh he was so happy, this and that, the day began like every other day'. I don't think he was possessed or someone killed him, so what happened?. It may seem like a spur of the moment thing, but it really is just an outward manifestation of minutes, seconds, days of buildup in the mind.

Next time you think your decision or action 'just happened', blink, think again. I am sure that having this knowledge would help us give our actions a second over before we make them. It will also help us reduce the judgements we pass on others and frequency of bad decisions or actions.